bornstill – bornperfectlystillbornperfectly

Today I would have been 39 weeks… “in the home stretch” titles the ovia email I received today… there is no home stretch, there is no big belly, there is no 39 weeks…instead its my empty womb, my tortured head, my broken heart… today would have most likely been induction day since I was high risk and advanced maternal age. Today would have been that joyous, exciting day we had waited for. That we dreamed of for so long… but instead I sent out paperwork so I could receive a certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth…sad that we have to request this since we birthed you our angel…although to medicine you are considered a “fetus” fetal death certificate is what we received. No HE was not just a fetus, he was our child, our SON, our beautiful loved and wanted baby boy. All of our hopes and dreams for you shattered with the words, ‘there is no heartbeat “. I am sorry Parker, that I could not protect you, that I could not keep you safe… a mothers job and I didnt fulfill that. Its hard not to feel that I failed you. The what if’s fill my head… but that doesnt change the fact that you are gone… that I am not 39 weeks pregnant today…that our house no longer holds all the things that we had to welcome you home. That your sister, who would have been the best older sister will only know of you through pictures and words from mama’s. She never got to meet you, she was robbed of that… I never took pictures of her with my bump while you were still inside… regrets, I have them… I wish I was feeling you kick right now and that I was hooked up to the monitor at the hospital listening to your heart waiting your for grand entrance. Instead I sit with my womb empty and silent…arms longing to hold you…snuggle you… how I wish I could have protected you, saved you… if only my love for you could have saved you then you would still be here. I love you sweet Parker James, today and always… I promise that you will forever be spoken about and your story is not over, I will keep it alive…

March 7, 2022 was by far the worst day of my life… it was the day that we said both hello and goodbye to you sweet baby boy… the day we found out at 34wks4days your heart stopped beating…the day that I birthed you, stillborn but still born…lets start with the day before. I spiked a fever over 101 and called the midwive. I also was feeling you move less but had been feeling that way for a little while and figured it was due to less room in the womb…and your heartbeat had been nice and strong at the last two appointments. And maybe your movement was just different then your sisters had been .. so anyway, back to March 6. I was advised to take tylenol, eat something sugary and drink something cold and monitor movement. I took the tylenol, ate some red Starburst jellybeans, ok more than some because they were yummy and drank cold water… I believed I was feeling you move, although looking back it may have been the start of contractions or you just kind of floating, but I will never know… I will always question and replay that day over and over. My midwife called me back after an hour and we decided that the movement was sufficient and that I would come in the following day for an NST. I was due to begin weekly NST and growth scans at MFM on March 8, but for piece of mind I would be going March 7 to my midwife….. so I woke up on March 7 and dropped Jordyn off to school. Called the midwives office and I was due in around 12 or so for my nst. I got to my appointment and left my urine. Then the assistant took me to a room and began to hook up the NST machine… she found whay she believed to be the heartbeat, stayed for a few minutes and then left stating she would be back soon. She came back with the midwife who was looking at the readings and then began adjusting the monitor as she said it had been my heartbeat they were picking up. She was having difficulty finding Parker’s heartbeat and said its usually the position the baby is in. She had me lie on one sode, then the other, but that wasnt helping. She said that she wanted to do an ultrasound just to get his exact position so we walked to another room. She began the ultrasound but I was unable to see the screen. She said she couldnt quite get what she needed and she would be right back, she was going to get an us tech to help her. Shw was gone for what felt like forever and came back to say there was no tech or doctor to help so she was going to send me to L&D for more monitoring. One of the other midwives was there and would be waiting for me. I told her I was beginning to panic and she said don’t panic yet, lets just be cautious (or something along those lines). I know now that you were already gone at this point, that she could not find your heartbeat but she was hoping that she was wrong. I got in my car to begin the drive to the hospital and called Sarah who kept me calm during the drive. She knew it wasnt good, but kept me calm so I could drive… I got to the hospital and waited on line to get in (thank you COVID) and went right to L&D. I was met by the nurse Emily who took me to my room. Jackie the midwife came in and said we were going to do another ultrasound… she placed the probe on my belly and there was silence… no heartbeat…no cardiac activity…no movement from you…I immediately began crying…she said the words, I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat, there is no cardiac activity… This could not be happening…rhis could not be real…I was having a nightmare and would wake up shortly, right? I tried calling Amanda, but she was sleeping and her phone was on do not disturb. I called our neighbor crying and told her she had to go wake Amanda up immediately. Amanda called me and I had to tell her that Parker was gone, he died, there was no heartbeat. That I am at the hospital and I have to birth our dead baby…she began crying and said she would be right there… Jackie told me another doctor had to come in and confirm there was no heartbeat, so again we were greeted by deafening silence on the ultrasound machine as this doctor confirmed you had died. Jackie stayed by my side for over an hour waiting for Amanda to get there. I called Lee and told her what happened and she immediately said she was on her way. I called my mother and began to let others know that we lost our beloved son, that our babyboy no longer had a heartbeat, that he had died. Amanada and Lee got to the hospital and we were told by Jackie that there were things we needed to discuss. These things included if we wanted an autopsy, if I wanted an epidural, if we wanted to hold him and have pictures, where we would have his funeral, who would pick up his dead body… who ever thinks they will be planning their baby boys funeral while in the hospital…deciding wether or not you want his body cut open to determine or not determine cause of death. I was given cytotec vaginally to begin induction…I was 1cm dilated at this time. I was told to get the epidural immediately when I began to feel anything. Once I began to feel contractions I received the epidural. As I was sitting on the bed I looked over and the gel bottle had your name on it, Parker. It was the first sign you sent that you were with us… your spirit was with us… Jackie checked me again and manually broke my water to get things moving. They started me on Pitocin. Our nurse Emily was ending her shift and introduced us to Karen and Isabella our nurses for the evening. Cris, our other midwife came to visit us and be there with us. It meant a lot to have the support we did, between Lee, Cris, Jackie and Reverend Scott. It was a day and night filled with tears and sadness. No happy, excitement of the joyous moment of your birth. It was tears, sadness and shock waiting to birth you… after 11pm I began feeling pressure and told the nurses to get Jackie, that Parker was coming… she came in and examined me and after two pushes, at 11:46pm you were here…the room during the birth of a stillborn is so different then when birthing a living baby. It was Amanda, Lee, Jackie and one nurse. There was no team waiting for the baby, there was no excitement and joy, there was no scream or cry from a baby. SILENCE… there was nothing.but deafening silence… the words of Jackie stating as you came out, the cord is around his neck…Amanda cut the umbilical cord and they placed a silent, still Parker on my chest. You were perfect Parker, in every single way…4lbs7oz of perfection…your little button nose, your big hands and feet, your little pursed lips….you looked just like your sister. In my head I kept waiting for your eyes to open, your chest to rise, your little cry to start… but none of this happened…you laid there still, silent, and perfect…Jackie delivered my placenta next and after looking at it she said it was extremely calcified, which was abnormal for this stage… they would be doing further testing and pathology on the placenta… we made the decision not to move forward with the autopsy because cause of death was the cord with the placenta issue potentially impacting it as well. Everyone left the room and allowed Amanda and I to have time alone with our boy. We held him, we cried, we took pictures. We stared in disbelief at our lifeless beautiful boy trying to make sense out of a senseless situation. This was not how this day was supposed to be, this was not what we planned. We made it this far and thought we were safe and in the home stretch. How wrong we were, you are never safe. We cried, we questioned why… why Parker, why us? Just how much does someone have to endure in life. How much trauma, how much heartache. We could not get over just how handsome you were, how perfect, how beautiful… Jackie and Karen came back in after awhile and took you to clean you and dress you. They also took pictures of you for us. They brought you back along with a cuddle cot. Most people dont know what that is, why would they. It is a little place for the baby to rest that gets plugged in and remains cool so the baby can remain with you for a longer period…it is perserving your dead baby so they dont begin to decompose. Yes, that is the heartbreaking reality that you face on what should be one of the happiest days…we held Parker all night long. We took more pictures, we listened continuously to Godspeed by the Dixie Chicks as we held you and sang to you. We tried to memorize everything about you as this was our only time we would ever have with you. We also looked at ultrasound pictures of you and that was when Amanda spotted the one wear you looked like you had angel wings… who wouldve known we would give birth to an angel. At one point we looked up and on the wall and the light cast what looked like angel wings, again, another sign from you that you were with us. Jackie and the nurses continued to gently check in with us all through the night. We never slept, how could we miss one second awake with you knowing we would soon be saying goodbye forever. We spent less then 24 hours with you my sweet baby boy and now must spend a lifetime without you. How unfair is that? We never got to see your eyes, would they be blue, green or grey like Jordyns? We never get to see you smile, would you have the cute dimples like your sister? Never heard you cry, never felt your finger grip ours the nevers are endless. I am so grateful that we got the pictures, tangible memories we have of you. Our way to show the world how beautiful and perfect you were. That we got to hold you and kiss you. I did not want to leave you. Handing you to Cris and saying our final goodbye was the hardest thing ever. I wanted to take you home with us… instead I was wheeled out of the hospital with empty arms and an empty womb… leaving you, our precious son behind… physically we left you behind but you are forever in our hearts…on the drive home, the first that played was our song for you, Godspeed. Thank you for the sign Parker and godspeed little man…

Tag Archives: bornstill

The heaviest emptiness…

39 weeks…

March 7, 2022