Category Archives: Uncategorized

Being at the Polar plunge this year was hard….another memory of the time you were still alive….I can remember walking a lot that day, my back hurting… people noticing my bump and excitedly telling them we are excited for your arrival in about 6 more weeks…we had no idea the nightmare we would be living in a week. We were blissfully happy, excited and eager to meet you. To watch Jordyn grow up with you. The memories are flooding in, the days are getting harder the closer we get to the one year anniversary. How can it be one year already? Time has stood still yet it feels like light years since I held you in my arms. I look at pictures of you, you were perfect, perfect in every way except one….you were not breathing….still….silent…..limp……

April 14, 2022 was the day we were excitedly waiting for since we knew we were pregnant. It was the day that you were due to enter this world. We knew you would come before due to being high risk, but this day was your expected special day. How much would you weigh, how long would you be, how long would labor be, would you be in Nicu or in our room from the start? It was a day we always imagined would be filled with happiness, excitement and joy. We had so many dreams and hopes for you and what life would be like as a family of four. Watching you and Jordyn grow up together was what we were most excited about. Would you look just like her? Blond, grey eyes, dimples? Would you be as easy going as she was as a baby or were you going to be the polar opposite? We were ready to be exhausted due to having an infant and toddler and were filled with such anticipation. We talked about the first year and all the firsts, your Easter which we brought such a cute shirt for Jordyn to wear. It said “Will trade brother for Easter eggs” gosh how that stings now… your first vacation down in LBI, our first vacation to Vermont, the cute little pineapple you would be for your first Halloween, your first Thanksgiving and of course your first Christmas. Would we be able to have your first birthday party unlike your sisters which was cancelled due Covid. Would breast feeding start out easier with you, my breasts had been producing milk for awhile and I was so excited to nourish you. Taking walks all Spring with the double stroller. Ensuring that we still spent one on one time with Jordyn because we knew that would be important also. Of course we dreamed further, would you like sports, what would you become in your life and so much more in between. All out hopes and dreams were shattered that dreadful day, March 7 when we heard the worst wordsnof our life. “There is no cardiac activity, he is gone”. Our world came crashing down around us, our hearts in a million pieces and all of our future plans immediately cut short… Your birth was not what we planned, no happy tears, no smiles, no cries from you. Silence, despair, utterly distraught are words that describe that day. You will forever be 4lbs7oz and 17.5inches of perfection. Our brave little lion, our precious son, her little brother… Parker James we will always carry you within our heart and we will ensure that you continue to live on in this world through us… Say his name… Parker James…

April 14, 2022
That was the date
We were expecting you
Another Aries we joked
Making it three
Unfortunately that wouldnt be
Your heart stopped beating
Five weeks before
Devastating us forever more
A “cord accident” they said
Is what led to your death
And left us gasping for breath
Our perfect baby boy
Still, silent, sleeping
Left your mamas weeping
We wish you were here
Safe in our embrace
Your precious beautiful face
We miss you so much
Mama Amanda, Jordyn and Mama Bri
Will love you until eternity
We will speak your name
And tell others all about you our son
Parker James, little precious one

Being a bereaved parent is looking back on everything that took place during your pregnancy and deciding what you could have done differently….its blaming yourself and your body for not keeping your baby safe, not protecting them, feeling like you could have and should have done something to save them. It’s examining each ultrasound picture looking for signs….its remembering this ultrasound picture, that haunts me…the cord, by his face….I am immediately brought back to that day where I excitedly showed this.picture to my friend and she pointed out how beautiful it was with his cord…and that day I said, No, I dont want him holding his cord by his face…its believing I should have known what was to come, this omen…being a bereaved mother is thinking I should have listened to my concerns, not chalked it up to my anxiety, him running out of room…its regretting not going to L&D sooner, not counting the kicks….being a bereaved parent is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced…holding death in your arms,.staring at the lifeless body of your baby…your baby who should be crying, sleeping, cooing…your baby who should be alive, who might be alive if only………

September 7, 2022, six months since you have died. The hardest, most painful, most difficult six months of my entire life. My world turned dark the day you died. The spark inside went out when your heart stopped beating… do you know what its like to look at that ultrasound machine, praying and pleading to see some movement, to hear the bump thump thump of your heart beat. To be met with such stillness, such silence is devastating while your head is screaming Louder than an explosion, Except no one else can hear it. Knowing that the next 24 hours which shouldve been full of joy and celebration will be an agonizing wait… agonizing because you have to birth your dead baby, agonizing because you want to wake up from this nightmare. There is no sleep, there is no eating, there is no excitement or joyful anticipation…2 pushes and you were here. No baby crying, no medical team waiting for your arrival, no lullabye played on the day you died. You were put on my chest, lifeless and in that moment I looked at you, my perfect son. You were beautiful, an angel. How I wished for you to open your eyes, to cry, to breathe. I just stared at your face, wanting to memorize every detail of you…your nose and mouth just like your sisters…your fingers and toes, such long toes…your skin was so thin…they dont prepare you for some of what happens…the skin that starts to peel off, do you know how traumatic that is…wiping blood that came from your mouth and nose and saving that tissue because it has you on it….holding death in your arms….such a beautiful, precious life that ended beforenit began. How cruel this all is. I miss you with every fiber of my being Parker. I think of you constantly. Who you would be, what you would be doing, what you would look like…I long to have you here, growing and changing. Forever you will be my 4.7lbs , 17.5inches beautiful baby boy. You were perfect Parker, in every way. Godspeed my sweet son.

The pain of losing a baby is something that cant adequately be put into words…a baby who could have survived outside the womb if the cord did not kill him…a baby who was perfect except he wasn’t breathing… the pain of losing him, of losing Parker is a pain I have never felt before. It is a pain I would not wish on anyone… the ache inside grows with each day… my arms remain empty longing to hold him. Somedays I am not sure how I can continue on, moving forward when my world stopped on that day… stuck there wishing for a different outcome, praying that I would wake up from the nightmare, hoping that the midwife and doctors were wrong…stuck in the silence, deafening, suffocating, black silence… the silence reminds me of a dense, black fog that just engulfs you… you can no longer see past it and no one can penetrate the thickness of that dark, black smog…I still hope that this is all not real, that this has to be some sick dream that maybe just maybe Ill wake from… but I know, this is my reality. My reality is that I am a bereaved mother, my son is dead and I will never have the opportunity to know who he would be. To watch him grow and see his personality develop. To watch he and his sister play, fight and love one another. I see other little boys and it reminds me of what is missing from my life… Jordyn spoke of her brother this morning again… reminding me that baby brother lives in our hearts… he lives in my broken heart, and perhaps he is holding the pieces ever so gently in his little hands as it will never be whole again…

It’s Monday again…and it was emotionally diffict…11 weeks since my world stopped and everyone else’s continued going…yesterday we participated in the TEARS foundation rock and walk…what an amazing day surrounded by other loss families…families who dont even have to speak but can tell the story of your heart…families who know what you are saying when youre silent…families who know that you may physically be there, but mentally you are somewhere else…families who know the excruciating pain that you walk with on a daily basis…the unity, support and love could be felt all around that day…

My anxiety has been through the roof, I wake up in the morning and my stomach is in complete knots. My eyes dart open way earlier than they need to and i struggle to return to sleep. It feels like someone is kneading dough and it just wont stop. It feels like my insides are crawling and I am just trapped… covid hit our house last week and we were all stuck home… exercise stopped and I havent been able to start again, I have had no motivation… I need to start again, it helps…but trying to drag my anxiety ball of a mess out of bed to get on the treadmill has been nearly impossible… I want to run far away, far, far away… I want to numb myself… I want to claw this anxiety out of me…

So yesterday you “came home”. It feels strange to say you are home because you in the physical sense are not home…god what I wouldnt give to truly have you home, you in the flesh and blood…you, our 10 week old handsome little man, keeping us awake at night…no, thats just a dream…you are home with us, in an urn…a beautiful urn, but an urn none the less… and in a bracelet I will forever wear… and soon to be in beautiful rings that we will cherish…but again, we dont have your cute little face to stare at, falling more in love everyday as your little personality begins to develop…we dont grt to hear your cute coos and your soothing breathing while you sleep and even your cries…what I wouldnt give to hear your cries even if it were to wake Jordyn… I wouldn’t care to have you both safely in my arms…but I couldn’t keep you safe Parker…today is Monday, ten weeks ago today you were born sleeping, silent, still…and today was a bad Monday, PTSD reminders… you never know what is going to trigger it…so besides it already being Monday, being sick triggered me…today my body feels the way it did numerois times during the third trimester…aches, from my toes to my fingers…slight fever…and sore…I felt that way many a day in the 3rd trimester and got nervous each time that something was wrong…why the fever? CoVID was always negative…I was scared of taking too much tylenol, gosh how silly that seems now… I equated the aches, pains and soreness to being in my 3rd trimester, being older and chasing a toddler… I can’t help but think now that my body was trying to say something to me, to warn me to tell me to do something to protect you. And I cant help but sit here filled with guilt and shame. Feeling that I failed you, I did not keep you safe, I did not protect you…that is the ultimate failure as a mother…that last day I should have gone to L&D when I was feeling you less…it may have been too late as I may have been having contractions that I thought was you, but maybe I could have saved you. Or if I had requested a NST and BPP earlier, maybe we could have seen you were in distress, or had the cord around your neck…because you were moving less, and I eased my mind by saying it was 3rd trimester, you had less room. But it was hard having to go eith Jordyn, writjng that line makes me feel evil, that it felt like an inconvenience so I didnt go. What the fuck is wrong with me, god I feel like a horrible mother and person… and now everyone else will know also… that I failed… I am so sorry Parker, I am so very sorry. You were so wanted and so loved even before we knew we were pregnant. You are so missed Parker. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day you are missed and I think about you. I love you Parker, please forgive me my baby boy… you were never an inconvenience, you were so loved, we wanted you here with us so badly…10 weeks ago your physical self left us, your soul left and I will.never be the same… you are home with us now sweet baby boy…ashes to ashes, dust to dust, our baby boy is home…

When I googled the definition of trauma, this is what came up, a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. “a personal trauma like the death of a child.

Driving has become a time when my mind begins to return to that day repeatedly, that Monday nine weeks ago… that Monday that turned my world dark… that Monday where I wanted my heart to stop beating with yours… that Monday that showed me thatbyou can be in sheer agony and filled with love both at the same time…As I was driving home my mind went right back to the day I gave birth to you Parker. I think shock is wearing off and reality is setting in. The trauma of that day, of holding my dead son in my arms. My dead son who I birthed. Your still chest that should be rising and falling… eyes that will never see the world never open for me gaze into… your limp body, like a raggedy ann doll placed on my chest. Ten perfect fingers and toes, fingers that will never be enrtwined in mine and feet that I will never hear pitter patter. Silence where your cry and cute little coos should be. Silence so loud it was deafening…meconium was present that day…that indicates that the environment you were in was stressed, that you were in distress…your environment, MY WOMB failed you. I failed you, I failed you Parker and I am sorry… I feel sick…The gaping hole inside of me feels like it grew so much bigger this weekend. Two months since you left the world… instead of taking your cute picture on the monthly blanket I am remembering your lifeless body, as memories are all I will ever have of you…no first mother’s day picture of you…no picture of your big sister holding you, instead she holds our Parker bear…how can this be real, how can this be my life…how do I survive this trauma without you…your sister picked out a book tonight…a book she hasnt looked at in months… she picked out the Best big sister book…my heart hurts for Jordyn, that she will only see her baby brother in pictures. That she will have no memory of you and no memories with you…I regret not having pictures of her with the bump, the baby bump that was you…It makes me angry that they dont allow you to record ultrasounds…when your baby dies and all you have are memories, but none of his heartbeat, pr him moving in your belly because they won’t let you record. What I wouldnt give to have that to listen to. Your heartbeat that never beat outside of me. Your body moving all around that was lifeless outside of me. As the shock wears off I grapple with the idea of being able to keep going. How do you keep putting one foot in fron of the other when one foot is rooted in the past with you…when you dont want to keep moving forward because each day that passes means I am a day further away from you…your silence echoes like a symphonic orchestra in my head Parker…the emptiness is heavy, it weighs me down and swallows me hole… silencing the screams that no one hears…

I cant believe it has been two months since you were born sleeping…look at how perfect you were Parker, our beautiful, precious son. How I miss your cute button nose and your little lips…you look so peaceful here…while your mommies were waging the hardest day of their lives…I am so glad that we got to hold you and take in every detail of you that day…what I would have given for you to live, to come home with us. I still lose my breath when I truly think about you being gone forever, it becomes hard to breathe…I feel like I am suffocating…my world got darker on that day, some of the light shut off, never to turn back on…my eyes saw death again, death of my innocent son, death before your life could even begin…the second male who was my world to leave before my eyes…Parker I wish I could have saved you, I would have done anything if it meant your heart would have kept on beating…I miss you so much Parker and I love you even more… Godspeed little man, my angel, my son…

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Here we are, Monday again, that dreaded day that throws me right back to the Monday you were born sleeping… I get flung right back into that nightmare, that living nightmare where my world was completely turned upside down. Where I watched all my hopes and dreams shatter right before my eyes… my eyes that became clouded by darkness and despair. 8 weeks ago you left, instead of taking your weekly picture today I am left to remember your face through the only pictures I will ever have of you. How I wish I was wathcing you grow as I sat you beside the elephant that your sister took weekly pictures next to. Instead I will never see you grow, you will forever remain 4lbs7oz.

I returned to work today, eight weeks later, on my most hated day of the week. My anxiety through the roof as I was driving in. my stomach in my throat and my heart beating fast. The sad cocked head look from co-workers, the Im sorry ‘s, welcome backs etc. Was it as awkward for them as it was for me. The elephant in the room that everyone says “Im so sorry for”, say it. Say for THE DEATH OF YoUR SON! Because we are both thinking it, but no one says the words because that makes it too real, that is too much to digest . It is real, and I live with this reality daily.

I quickly say thank you and its ok because I want to move past the awkwardness and uncomfortability. I want to save you from how uncomfortable this makes you. And I dont want the attention and the awkwardness. I know most don’t really want to know how I am honestly feeling and about Parker James because its too much to bear, it goes against everhthing thay is supposed fo happen in life. A child should not die before the parent, a baby should not die before it lives in the world. And how could anyone truly want to face the reality that it could be their child, their grandchild, their niece or nephew who dies. The awkward conversation with the client who knows Parker died. Who asks how I am doing without saying what happened, as his eyes well up and he says he has a card for me but didnt know what to write in it. I tell him I am good. It is my role to help him, not have him concerned with how I am. I walk the fine line, of wanting to do nothing but talk all about Parker and show his pictures and wanting no one to bring it up because I dont want them uncomfortable. And because I dont want to talk about it unless I can be real with you. Real with how much it hurts, real with the details of his birth and death, real with how I feel. And perhaps it is in the silence, the deafening silence where the true real is… listen closely as my silence screams…