Six months youve been gone

September 7, 2022, six months since you have died. The hardest, most painful, most difficult six months of my entire life. My world turned dark the day you died. The spark inside went out when your heart stopped beating… do you know what its like to look at that ultrasound machine, praying and pleading to see some movement, to hear the bump thump thump of your heart beat. To be met with such stillness, such silence is devastating while your head is screaming Louder than an explosion, Except no one else can hear it. Knowing that the next 24 hours which shouldve been full of joy and celebration will be an agonizing wait… agonizing because you have to birth your dead baby, agonizing because you want to wake up from this nightmare. There is no sleep, there is no eating, there is no excitement or joyful anticipation…2 pushes and you were here. No baby crying, no medical team waiting for your arrival, no lullabye played on the day you died. You were put on my chest, lifeless and in that moment I looked at you, my perfect son. You were beautiful, an angel. How I wished for you to open your eyes, to cry, to breathe. I just stared at your face, wanting to memorize every detail of you…your nose and mouth just like your sisters…your fingers and toes, such long toes…your skin was so thin…they dont prepare you for some of what happens…the skin that starts to peel off, do you know how traumatic that is…wiping blood that came from your mouth and nose and saving that tissue because it has you on it….holding death in your arms….such a beautiful, precious life that ended beforenit began. How cruel this all is. I miss you with every fiber of my being Parker. I think of you constantly. Who you would be, what you would be doing, what you would look like…I long to have you here, growing and changing. Forever you will be my 4.7lbs , 17.5inches beautiful baby boy. You were perfect Parker, in every way. Godspeed my sweet son.