Pain…

The pain of losing a baby is something that cant adequately be put into words…a baby who could have survived outside the womb if the cord did not kill him…a baby who was perfect except he wasn’t breathing… the pain of losing him, of losing Parker is a pain I have never felt before. It is a pain I would not wish on anyone… the ache inside grows with each day… my arms remain empty longing to hold him. Somedays I am not sure how I can continue on, moving forward when my world stopped on that day… stuck there wishing for a different outcome, praying that I would wake up from the nightmare, hoping that the midwife and doctors were wrong…stuck in the silence, deafening, suffocating, black silence… the silence reminds me of a dense, black fog that just engulfs you… you can no longer see past it and no one can penetrate the thickness of that dark, black smog…I still hope that this is all not real, that this has to be some sick dream that maybe just maybe Ill wake from… but I know, this is my reality. My reality is that I am a bereaved mother, my son is dead and I will never have the opportunity to know who he would be. To watch him grow and see his personality develop. To watch he and his sister play, fight and love one another. I see other little boys and it reminds me of what is missing from my life… Jordyn spoke of her brother this morning again… reminding me that baby brother lives in our hearts… he lives in my broken heart, and perhaps he is holding the pieces ever so gently in his little hands as it will never be whole again…