Bereaved Mother’s Day

I stand in the in between, with celebrating this day as well as next Sunday… I am a mother whose arms are longing to hold her newborn son and remembering all seven of her babies gone too soon… but I also am blessed to have the hugs of my little girl… nothing can prepare you for the death of your baby…the six miscarriages prior were devastating, but nothing compares to the pain of losing your baby, of birthing your baby who has already died…of holding that lifeless body in your arms wishing if you just prayed hard enough his little chest would begin to rise and fall and his heart would start to beat from the love that you have for him… if love could have saved him, he would live forever… 

I have been wanting to write for the last few days, but the days kept ending and the pages stayed blank. I had my six week post partum appointment on Thursday… yes, after you birth your dead baby you still have to continue with everything a new mother has to do, which includes the six week post partum appointment. I watched pregnant women coming in and out of the office and I cried inside. I took the post partum depression test, which clearlynis miscontrued due to the grief. We went over pathology that came back regarding my placenta. There was infection present but we will never know if the infection was there first or was it a result of Parker being dead inside of me. Was it souly a “cord accident” that took his life, maybe. Was it a combination? Who knows. Its hard not to go back and dissect everything that happened in the pregnancy. I had a tough 3rd trimester, I did have on again off again fevers, I had chills a lot and bad night sweats and generally was not feeling well. We chalked it up to pregnany, age, chasing a toddler. But maybe this was a sign that something was wrong, this was something we shouldve listened to. Yet we will never know if angthung could’ve or wouldve been different. I will always wonder. Even though they say that theyve case conferenced this with the team of doctors numerous times, and it always comes down to nothing could have been done differently. I dont truly believe that, at least not at this time. More accurately I guess I dont accept that at this time. The Sunday before we found out you were gone I felt you moving less. I ate the just reds Starburst jellybeans to get you going. I thought I was feeling you but now I am not aure it was you or contractions. Either way, I cant throw that bag of jellybeans away now and I cant eat them again.. they remind me of the last time you were perhaps alive inside of me, or at least that I thought you were. We will never know when you died.

I return to work tomorrow, on a Monday, I hate Mondays. I don’t want to return to work. My anxiety is super high and I have motivation or drive to work. I want to remain home, spending time alone, with the dogs or with Jordyn. I dont want to be around people 8 hours a day, I dont want to deal with certain things or certain people. But unfortunately I have to return and tomorrow is the day…

I miss you Parker James, so much that it physically hurts… the hole your absence has left is gaping wide open and nothing will fill it…