The heaviest emptiness…

Its Monday again, the day of the weel that has been forever changed as its the day I lost you…7 weeks since we found out you were gone. It feels like it was so long ago that I held you in my arms… I saw a quote that said “nothing is heavier than holding the weight of your dead baby”… those words are so true… and the heaviness is not only your lifeless body, but the heaviness that suffoctes your heart for the rest of your existence…my arms ache to.hold you, cuddle you, hug you…My.lips long to kiss you and smile at you as you gaze up at me…my eyes wish to stare at you with love and joy at just how beautiful you are…my nose wishes to smell your scent and your dirty diapers, anything and everything of you….my ears ring from yhe silence, longing to hear your coos, your cries, your breathing and beating heart…I miss you so much. It is so insane that I can be so heavy while I am so empty…what an oxymoron…everyone asks how I am doing and more often than not I answer that I am ok…people dont want to feel my heaviness, dont want to be part of the emptiness, dont want to truly accept that I will never be ok again, that I will never be hole again, that I am forever changed…..it is to dark to want to be a part of my reality, so lets continue to pretens that I am ok… that my life is moving on even though in reality my world as I knew it stopped moving on March 7 when your heart stopped beating… yes, my world continues on, but it will never ever be the same nor should it. I will forever have a 4.7lb emptiness inside of me that cant be filled…and that is you my sweet Parker, my handsome boy….. and that will be the heaviest 4.7lbs I will carry until the end of time…