Six weeks…

6 weeks today since the light in my world dimmed…6 weeks since my body stopped being your home, your lifeline and became your tomb where you died…Mondays would have been the day of your weekly picture with the elephant on the grey chair in Jordyns room where we would see how much you grew and changed… now Mondays are filled with sadness and anxiety and you remain forever unchanged, forever 4.7lbs, 17.5inches.  Yesterday we would’ve taken cute Easter pictures… your 1st Easter, cute little bunny ears, Jordyn wearing the shirt we ordered her before we lost you, “Will trade brother for Easter eggs”… it was such an innocent shirt that made us giggle, what I wouldnt give tp trade a million golden eggs to have you back…the words I miss you don’t even begin to touch the depth of how much I miss you, how much I long to snuggle with you and hold you…kiss your little face, let your little fingers grip mine, a grip I never got to feel…the smell of you lingers, not the sweet babyfresh smell, but the hospital death smell…so many things I will never get to hear, see, touch or smell. I will never hear you call me mama, I will never get to see your eyes staring into mine, I will never get to touch you and never get to smell you after a bath, all lotioned up…and those are just a few… Six weeks ago the light in my world dimmed… this picture shows the dimming of the light…the difference in the birth of a life baby verse a dead one… light verse dark…