National siblings day for my daughter whose siblings reside in heaven…

I hnfortunately awoke early this morning…all I wanted was to sleep but sleep escaped me. I laid in bed dreading the day ahead. I have no motivation, no desire to keep going through the daily motions at this point. I don’t want respinsibilities right now, I want to disappear for awhile. After lying in bed for awhile realizing my will to disappear was not working and this indeed is my reality, I peeled myself begrudgingly out of bed. I scroll on facebook and see it’s “national siblings day” and immediately my heart sinks… My daughters brother who would just be joining us or maybe would be a few weeks old is not here… he is gone… gone forever… my daughters siblings, all seven of them are in heaven. I won’t be able to watch them play together, argue with one another, laugh with one another and love one another… my daughter is being robbed of her experience of being a sister, to a living sibling at least… that thought breaks my heart all over again and saddens me to the core. I hate it. Hate that Jordyn was robbed of life with her baby brother. I didnt take any pictures of Jordyn with the bump, when Parker was still alive inside my belly. That makes me sad… feelings of guilt fill my head…guilt for no pictures, guilt for not giving Jordyn a living sibling, guilt for what happened to Parker.. guilt for wanting no responsibility, for wanting to disappear … the loss of your child breaks you in ways you didnt know was possible…it changes everything about you and how you think and feel…it makes simple days harder…National Siblings day, a simple day named by someone to make another “day” becomes yet another trigger that you werent ready for or expecting…