39 weeks…

Today I would have been 39 weeks… “in the home stretch” titles the ovia email I received today… there is no home stretch, there is no big belly, there is no 39 weeks…instead its my empty womb, my tortured head, my broken heart… today would have most likely been induction day since I was high risk and advanced maternal age. Today would have been that joyous, exciting day we had waited for. That we dreamed of for so long… but instead I sent out paperwork so I could receive a certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth…sad that we have to request this since we birthed you our angel…although to medicine you are considered a “fetus” fetal death certificate is what we received. No HE was not just a fetus, he was our child, our SON, our beautiful loved and wanted baby boy.  All of our hopes and dreams for you shattered with the words, ‘there is no heartbeat “.  I am sorry Parker, that I could not protect you, that I could not keep you safe… a mothers job and I didnt fulfill that. Its hard not to feel that I failed you. The what if’s fill my head… but that doesnt change the fact that you are gone… that I am not 39 weeks pregnant today…that our house no longer holds all the things that we had to welcome you home. That your sister, who would have been the best older sister will only know of you through pictures and words from mama’s. She never got to meet you, she was robbed of that… I never took pictures of her with my bump while you were still inside… regrets, I have them… I wish I was feeling you kick right now and that I was hooked up to the monitor at the hospital listening to your heart waiting your for grand entrance. Instead I sit with my womb empty and silent…arms longing to hold you…snuggle you… how I wish I could have protected you, saved you… if only my love for you could have saved you then you would still be here. I love you sweet Parker James, today and always… I promise that you will forever be spoken about and your story is not over, I will keep it alive…